I Can.

I try to be a pretty positive person, but the last few weeks have gotten the best of me.  Why?  Because Derek's tummy trouble's have taken a turn for the worse. 

Throughout his life, he's had some issues.  He's been lactose intolerant since birth.  When I tried to switch him to milk at age 1, he ended up with explosive diarrhea.  So I went with soy milk instead. 

Then, of course, were the texture issues.  Derek never really got past the finger foods that toddlers eat.  He eats primarily dry, crunchy foods.  No pizza, no pasta, not even bread.

And then there was the vomiting.  Every once in a while, he'd have unexplained vomiting spells.  They happened rarely, so I thought he'd just caught a bug.  Now, I'm not so sure. 

The vomiting has increased 10-fold in the past year.  I've been keeping track on a calendar.  Last school year he had 7 different episodes.  He had a couple this summer, and this school year?  He's already had FIVE. 

I started keeping a food journal, thinking it was a food allergy.  And since the episodes decreased over the summer I thought I had it figured out.  I thought Derek was allergic to something in multigrain foods--because every time he ate multigrain Tostitos or Cheerios, he got sick. 

But he hasn't eaten those in months, and the past few weeks have been the worst yet.  Every single time, it is the same.  At about 3 a.m. (Derek's witching hour) he wakes up and starts hurling violently.  If I'm lucky, I get him to the toilet.  He continues to vomit every 10-15 minutes until there is nothing left in his stomach.  And I mean NOTHING.  Somewhere in the middle of all of it, it turns to diarrhea, so then I'm left holding an almost 5 year old child up on the toilet while he spews all over me (I try to catch it in a towel, but that rarely happens). 

Sounds like a food allergy, right? 

Last week he got sick on 3 separate nights, and one night he threw up blood.  Ummmm, not good.  Time to call the doctor.

I've resorted to having Derek sleep next to me, so that I can get him to the bathroom if an "episode" hits.  And once it starts I just keep him in the bathroom. 

I'm a nervous wreck.  I can barely sleep, because every time Derek even stirs, I wake up. 
I'm exhausted. 
I'm terrified. 
Derek's doctor's appointment is this week, and I don't know whether they will give him a referral to an allergist or check to see if there is something else wrong.
I'm worried about money, and how we are going to pay for MORE doctor's bills. 
I'm MAD that my poor son keeps having to go through stuff like this.  Hasn't he been through enough?  MRI's?  EEG's?  Dental surgeries?  Good grief.  He's not even 5!!!!

All I know, is that I can't do this anymore. 
Watching my child get THAT sick, night after night, is killing me. 
He screams. 
He cries. 
He doesn't understand what is happening.

When I was 8, playing with dolls and dreaming of motherhood, this is not what I expected.  I love my kids with every single fiber of my being, but I'll be completely honest...I'm hanging on to my sanity by a thread right now. 

Derek is down to eating 5 foods.  Gluten free pretzels, rice krispies, pears, apples, and natural popcorn.  Oh, and juice and soy milk.  THAT'S IT.  I'm going to have a severely malnourished son and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it right now. 

I can't do this. 
And yet, I AM doing it.  Because let's face it, if I don't--who will???
My son needs me now, more than ever. 
I will figure out what is making my son sick, even if I have to take my son to an allergist and get him "scratch" tested.  I'll even take him to a gastroenterologist if I have to.

Nobody said that being a mom was going to be easy.  Time to put on my big girl panties, drink some coffee, and get over myself.  I CAN DO THIS.