Fear

I wasn't going to write about this. 

I thought I was done. 

But this morning Derek woke up vomiting again.  He hasn't had an episode in over a month.  I thought we finally had his vomiting under control.  Amitriptyline was doing the trick...

Yet Derek retched uncontrollably for four hours this morning.  So hard and so long, that by the end, he couldn't even lift himself off the floor.  I was holding him, in my arms, over the toilet.  He was completely limp.

30 minutes later, I heard a strange sound.  My son was screaming.  And it was a scream unlike anything I had ever heard.  It was a blood-curdling, ear-splitting scream of pain.  Derek was holding the back of his head and rocking back and forth.  Vomit was spewing out of his NOSE---not his mouth. 

Derek is on the bathroom floor...

I panicked. 

What in the world was happening????? 

I called his doctor. 

This was NOT normal...was it???

The nurse that answered the phone agreed and said the doctor would call me back immediately. 

While I was waiting, Derek had a seizure. 

He hadn't had his anti-seizure meds yet, because I hadn't been able to get him to drink anything. 

It was one of the longest absence seizures he's had yet.  Derek was completely unresponsive, for at least 45econds.  And when he came out of it, he started shivering and was disoriented. 

There is only one word that comes to mind for how I felt at that moment.

Terrified.

The doctor called me back shortly after, and reassured me that my son was ok.  But he said that if I couldn't get Derek to drink anything I'd have to take him to the ER for dehydration.  When I asked about Derek's screaming and the pain, he said Derek probably had a migraine, one of the triggers for Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. 

The doctor called in a prescription for Zofran to help me get Derek to stop vomiting. 

Derek's "spell" has passed.  He's drinking gatorade and playing with trains as though nothing ever happened.  My fear is beginning to subside. 

I have only one good thing to say about fear.  It can make you realize just how much you REALLY love a person.  In the midst of my mini-crisis today, I was sobbing.  I was ready to drive to the ER in my pajamas--hair and teeth unbrushed, socks mismatched, etc. When it comes down to the people we love, NOTHING MATTERS except THEM.  Period.  My son is worth the sleepless nights I've had, the puke-stained towels I've washed, the ever-increasing number of grey hairs and wrinkles appearing on my head...all of it.  Life is scary sometimes, yes.  But what is the alternative?  I'd rather be afraid of losing someone than not love anyone at all.