"Look At Me"

"Look At Me"
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Friday, January 11, 2013

Fear

I wasn't going to write about this. 

I thought I was done. 

But this morning Derek woke up vomiting again.  He hasn't had an episode in over a month.  I thought we finally had his vomiting under control.  Amitriptyline was doing the trick...

Yet Derek retched uncontrollably for four hours this morning.  So hard and so long, that by the end, he couldn't even lift himself off the floor.  I was holding him, in my arms, over the toilet.  He was completely limp.



30 minutes later, I heard a strange sound.  My son was screaming.  And it was a scream unlike anything I had ever heard.  It was a blood-curdling, ear-splitting scream of pain.  Derek was holding the back of his head and rocking back and forth.  Vomit was spewing out of his NOSE---not his mouth. 

Derek is on the bathroom floor...


I panicked. 

What in the world was happening????? 

I called his doctor. 

This was NOT normal...was it???

The nurse that answered the phone agreed and said the doctor would call me back immediately. 

While I was waiting, Derek had a seizure. 

He hadn't had his anti-seizure meds yet, because I hadn't been able to get him to drink anything. 

It was one of the longest absence seizures he's had yet.  Derek was completely unresponsive, for at least 45econds.  And when he came out of it, he started shivering and was disoriented. 

There is only one word that comes to mind for how I felt at that moment.

Terrified.

The doctor called me back shortly after, and reassured me that my son was ok.  But he said that if I couldn't get Derek to drink anything I'd have to take him to the ER for dehydration.  When I asked about Derek's screaming and the pain, he said Derek probably had a migraine, one of the triggers for Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. 

The doctor called in a prescription for Zofran to help me get Derek to stop vomiting. 

Derek's "spell" has passed.  He's drinking gatorade and playing with trains as though nothing ever happened.  My fear is beginning to subside. 

I have only one good thing to say about fear.  It can make you realize just how much you REALLY love a person.  In the midst of my mini-crisis today, I was sobbing.  I was ready to drive to the ER in my pajamas--hair and teeth unbrushed, socks mismatched, etc. When it comes down to the people we love, NOTHING MATTERS except THEM.  Period.  My son is worth the sleepless nights I've had, the puke-stained towels I've washed, the ever-increasing number of grey hairs and wrinkles appearing on my head...all of it.  Life is scary sometimes, yes.  But what is the alternative?  I'd rather be afraid of losing someone than not love anyone at all.

12 comments:

  1. Yes. They are worth it. Yes. Much love to you and yours.

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  2. Oh Beth I am so sorry. That is so scary. I started having migraines when I was about 10, and they continued all the way through college, and they were always accompanied by day long bouts of vomiting. The head-pain in and of itself was debilitating, and then the vomiting, ugh... My heart aches at the thought of a tiny child going through such an experience. Migraines... I wonder if it is all sensory related - mine seemed to be, and with Autism, jeez I can only imagine. I am so glad he is past it for the moment and am so sorry you had to feel that kind of fear. You're right, nothing matters but these kids... and you're right about love too. I hope the rest of your day goes better for you both. Now's the time to make that cake <3

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  3. Oh! Big BIG ((HUGS))!! I am so sorry. You guys take good care of eachother. Sending you love and strength.

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  4. No words, except a nod, a hug, and support. I hope your little guy continues to feel better today.

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  5. Thank you all. He is tired, but keeping crackers and juice down.

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  6. I hope he feels better! I go through similar stuff and am on prochlorperazine for the vomiting (I can't pronounce it so I end up calling it "porcupine" because it has the same first and last three letters.) Digestive disorders of all sorts are more common in autistics than in the general population. :-(

    It's pretty miserable stuff, the non-stop vomiting. I've been up to the emergency room for it plenty of times myself. And Derek is so small! I can understand why you got so afraid! Hang in there. *hug*

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    1. Sorry to hear you have tummy trouble as well. (((hugs)))

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  7. Bless his hear! And yours! I hope he continues to get down with his trains all day!

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    1. Thank you. The rest of the day wasn't too bad. :)

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  8. Wow Beth,

    I read this and I would feel the same way, I would be laying there helplessly also. I would be terrified.

    Isn't the aftermath amazing. How you have all this fear, anxiety built up in you. Your stomach is tight because you dont want to see him hurt again =, all while he plays like it was normal to be doing that just a while ago. Love is amazing how it can hold us hostage in these situations and everyhting is ok in the world, but inside in the heart and soul were helpless butg to continue to love and be there for our little one while they go thru the pain and we learn how to get rid of it or make it feel better or to cope with it.
    How just a smile and a happy go lucky attitude in our children can make the relief of our day that much more.

    You did exactly what I would of done, but the biggest part counts inside and your all over that.

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