"Look At Me"

"Look At Me"
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Sunday, April 21, 2013

Put on a Happy Face



Being bipolar has its ups and downs...

That was my attempt at a joke.  I do still have a sense of humor.

But I'm not going to sugarcoat things.  I'm writing this post because a lot of autism parents struggle with depression.  I'm kind of an expert on depression.  I've been battling it since I was nine.  Most of the time, I have a pretty good handle on things.  I take my medication, I see my doctor when I am supposed to, and I fool myself into thinking that I have things under control.

(Control.  That's a funny word.  Does anyone really have any kind of control over their lives???  No.  Life changes on a dime--especially in Autism Land.)

Something happens.  Something unpredictable, something unplanned, something that throws my life completely out of whack...and I don't know how to handle it.  I am unable to function.  I begin to spiral into darkness, and there is nothing, and I mean nothing, I can do to stop it.

Being manic can be fun.  I get so much done it's scary.  I can stay up for 3 days straight and I do artwork all night and I clean the entire house and I talk a mile a minute and I do crazy things like go on spontaneous road trips and jump out of airplanes (yes, yes I did).

Depression is another story.  When the high ends and I crash and burn, it isn't pretty.  I'm very rarely manic.  I am diagnosed as being bipolar II, which means I have more depressive episodes than manic ones.  I've been told I'm hard to live with.


*Just a sidenote--these episodes happen very rarely now, since I take my medication regularly, like a good little girl.


Want to know what happened this month?  It was something pretty stupid.  But it was enough to scare the crap out of me.

Derek got sick.  (He gets sick a lot, so it really shouldn't have been enough to set off an episode for me.  However...)  Derek had a low-grade fever for 9 days.  I had to take him to the doctor twice because he developed an enormous lymph node on his neck that seriously freaked me out.  It looked like a tumor.  So, of course, I thought my son had cancer.  (Have I mentioned that I had cancer as a baby?  So I have an irrational fear that my children will get cancer as well.)  Derek was miserable.  It took antibiotics to get rid of that monster.
The giant lymph node

After that, I had trouble recovering.  I went into what I call a "funk" of depression.  I just couldn't shake it.  Anything and everything stressed me out more than normal and I cried at the drop of a hat.  Simple things became difficult.  It took all of my energy to get out of bed in the morning and get my kids to school on time.

And, then a few more things happened.

I was summoned for jury duty.  (I eventually got out of it, but it took a trip to the courthouse, several phone calls, a doctor's note, and a letter from me to the judge.)

I had to give a speech at an award's ceremony.  

I attended an autism conference.

All of these things would normally be no big deal.  Some of them would actually be fun, if I were my "normal" self.  But when I'm fighting depression and barely making it through each day?  These things are overwhelming and exhausting and terrifying.  That's what happens when you have a mental illness.  Even simple, every day events like picking up your kids from school and making dinner become challenges.  All I wanted to do was sleep.  

I read about things like the bombing at the Boston Marathon and the explosion in Texas and the death of Gavin, the little boy from over at Chasing Rainbows and I think, What is wrong with me???  I have no right to be depressed.  I have it so much better than so many other people.  I need to count my blessings.

Having a chemical imbalance in the brain sucks.

I don't know what it's like to be autistic.  But I do know what it's like to be bipolar.  And being the bipolar mother of an autistic child is HARD.

What am I trying to say?  That it's ok to cry.  Cry behind closed doors if you have to.  Cry in the car.  Cry in the shower.  It doesn't matter.  Nobody is perfect.  Nobody has it all together.  Even the people you think have it all together--they don't.  There is no such thing as a perfect parent.  The best thing you can do is just take care of yourself first, and then love your children to the moon and back.

And here is the most important thing--if you think you need to see a doctor or therapist, don't be afraid to ask for help.  Do it for your kids, if not for yourself.  They need you.  (If you don't have kids, do it for your spouse, or parents, or somebody!!!)  If you end up needing medication--it's nothing to be ashamed of.  There are millions of people on medication for mental illness.  There is no shame in having a mental illness at all!!!  It's just something we don't talk about.  But I'm talking--because someone out there is listening.







  

26 comments:

  1. A brave and beautiful post from a brave and beautiful woman. My oldest is bipolar, I know it's tough to talk about but I have all the respect in the world for you. I'm glad you posted.

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    1. Thank you Mac, for giving me the courage to publish this. :) And thank you for being my friend.

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  2. I too am bipolar and a mother to an autistic and bipolar daughter. Thank you for your honesty and sharing. It is hard but it is doable.

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    1. Yes, yes it is! Glad to hear I'm not alone in this! I wish you and your daughter the very best!!! <3

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  3. I think you are very courageous to write about this. I don't have bipolar, but I do have dysthymic disorder, which is pretty much a low grade depression that is always present. I know a lot about depression, and how much effort it takes to get through a regular day sometimes. Thanks for sharing something so personal with us.

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    1. Thank you for sharing! I know nothing about dysthymic disorder. I will have to look into it!

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  4. This is an important and beautiful sharing. Thank-you!

    I have been blessed with a very balanced brain, and am guilty of thinking that people who suffered from depression should (and could) just perk up, or listen to a good song and feel better. Even my mother, who had Asperger's, depression and possible schizophrenia (before neurofeedback) wasn't safe from my condescending and closed minded opinions.

    I have four brothers who were on the autism spectrum, three sons who had autism, Irlene Syndrome, ADD and more, and a mother who battled abuse, mental illness and more... and sadly it was my neuro-typically balanced brain that got in the way of me seeing truth.

    I am now a different person, with a much more open mind, realistic and beautiful view of the world, mostly because my mom and siblings patiently showed me and showed me and showed me their truth, until I was finally willing to see. For and because of my children.

    Your brave honesty here just might help a daughter, wife or sibling truly see. Thank-you for offering this honest revealing!

    *And a thank-you to Homestyle Mama (with a side of autism) for pointing me in the direction of your beautiful blog!

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    1. Wow, sounds like you had quite a family! Thank you for being so honest and for opening your mind. A lot of people never do. Your family is lucky to have you. :) It's strange how life changes us, isn't it? Having an autistic child opened my mind to a whole new world also. I wouldn't change a thing. Welcome to the blog!

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  5. Waving hello! I'm a bipolar Mom of two kids on the spectrum. I suspect you and I could commiserate for hours. Everything you're saying rings true for me, except for me it's often weighty anger, rather than sadness. And. It. Dogs. Everything. Even though I, like you, take my meds like a good girl and therefore remain generally functional nearly all the time.

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    1. Hello back! I bet we could chat for a very, very long time! And compare some very interesting stories! :)

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  6. (((((YOU))))) I, too, am an expert in depression, having first experienced it when I was about 9. What I do to myself (the guilt, the "shoulds," the blame) makes it all so much worse. I find that it's easier for me to be sympathetic toward other people than to myself. That part sucks bad. Thank you for talking, there are a lot of people who are listening <3

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    1. I have guilt issues too. Lots and lots of them. And "should haves" and "could haves"...oh, the list is endless. ;)

      I don't think being sympathetic toward yourself comes easily. Most of us are harder on ourselves than on anyone else. I know I am. (((Hugs))) back to you!

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  7. I appreciate you sharing your story. I am not bipolar, but I have had major depressive episodes since I was 12. I relate to the crashes after stressful events. I am grateful you shared with us. I send you my love and well wishes.

    Lori

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  8. I battle depression all the time. I don't have a clinical diagnosis of bi-polar but I can mimic it pretty well. Just ask anyone who has to live with me and they will tell you I am pretty difficult to live with! PEACE

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  9. What you said here,"What is wrong with me??? I have no right to be depressed. I have it so much better than so many other people." This was pretty much my mantra for years before I started taking meds for depression:

    And I totally & completely agree, "Having a chemical imbalance in the brain sucks."

    Thank you for sharing this - too many people don't get the help they need.

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    1. It wasn't until I started medication that I realized that it really was a chemical imbalance. Suddenly, things started seeming "ok" and I thought, "Is this what other people are like every day??? I was amazed. A weight was lifted from my shoulders.

      My new mantra for the tough days is "This too shall pass." :)

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  10. This is an amzing post that shows true strength. Thank you for having the courage to share, maybe this will give someone else the courage they need to get the help they deserve.

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  11. The guilt that comes from knowing how much harder things are for others, that terrible things are happening, so I have no right to be so upset or down about my life...yeah. Depression sucks. We are not alone, and this post reminds me of that. Thanks for this.

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  12. This post is beautiful. I have rapid-cycling Bipolar, and for the most part I'm pretty well medicated for that. However, I'll be honest and say last night was a pretty big downswing for me. I was really glad it wasn't bad enough to warrant taking a Zyprexa, but it did take a couple of Benedryl to get me anywhere near ready to stop crying and go to sleep. I have a hard time having those moments-- like you said, there's a certain false sense of security you can lure yourself into when you're in an upswing (or just well medicated). You feel a sense of control where there is none, and then out of nowhere your good mood gets swept out from under your feet. I think all people, Bipolar or not, experience this to some degree-- it's just that Bipolar folks have bigger extremes.

    At the end of the day, Bipolar can definitely be debilitating-- but it's a blessing in disguise when it comes to creativity (you clearly have plenty of that). Not to mention that because we feel extremes, we can learn to really appreciate the ups and downs-- since we have the capacity to feel horribly depressed, and then feel manically happy, we can learn to better appreciate both as compliments to one another. The depression makes the mania seem so much more awesome, and the mania makes the depression seem so much more temporary. They both will pass, but then they'll be back in no time. It's like I always say in the middle of a cycle-- ride the wave.

    Much love. <3

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    1. It's a wave, it's a roller coaster, it's a tornado, but more than anything, it's life. :) Sending love back to you.

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  13. This...what you've written...this is me! I'm bipolar ii...my last manic episode I tried to buy a gypsy caravan and move my family to be travellers! I have two autistic kids under 5 and it def impacts on my mental health...

    Thanks for sharing xxx

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    1. That's hilarious! :) Glad to hear I'm not alone on this journey.

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