"Look At Me"

"Look At Me"
monotype and screenprint

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Butter on Bread

Have you ever tried to spread really cold butter (not margarine, but REAL butter) on bread?  It doesn't work very well.  It doesn't spread smoothly.  It either stays lumpy and you have to use a lot of it, or you end up tearing the bread to shreds.

Well, folks...that is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.  Maybe that's a bad analogy, but that's all I can think of.  I am trying to be too many things to too many people and it's not working. 

Yesterday, my oldest son told me that he hates me and doesn't want to live with me anymore.  Yeah, I know.  All kids say that.  But it still stings.  Especially because I do EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO MAKE THIS CHILD FEEL LOVED.  It's not enough.  It's never enough.  He has been extremely needy since day one and unless I am giving him constant attention, he feels slighted.  When your OTHER child is autistic?  This happens a lot.  I'll give you an example.  His kindergarten class is having a reading contest.  For every 10 books they read, they get a stripe on a Dr. Seuss hat in the classroom with their name on it.  Tyler, competitive child that he is, is determined to get the most stripes.  He gets a free Dr. Seuss book if he wins.  SOOOO, I have been reading 10 books a day to my child for the entire month of March.  That's a lot of reading.  A lot of quality time...on top of our normal day-to-day things.  Is it enough to prevent the "I hate you" speech?  Nope. 

Then, of course, is the challenge to be a wife, a friend, an artist, and a maid (I fail considerably at the last one).  I have an art show coming up in May about this very thing.  The struggle to balance (juggle?) it all.  So it has been on my mind a lot.  I feel like butter on bread.  I'm either spread too thin, ruining everything I touch, or I get stuck in one spot and disappoint everyone else...


  1. Oh, my goodness...you hit the nail on the head with that comparison. I do feel that way a LOT of the time. More like I'm being pulled in 100 different directions all the time.

    We're bracing ourselves for the day when my oldest son says to my husband "you're not my father!!" This is in spite of the fact that my husband has been in his life since he was three months old. I'm hoping its a faze that kids just go through, but it will still hurt...

  2. ((((((HUGS))))))
    I hope that day never comes. Whoever came up with the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" was an idiot. Bones heal. The scars from hurtful words may fade, but are never forgotten.